Monday, June 8, 2015

The Cult of Breastfeeding

Perhaps the most debilitating, non-purposeful, passive-argument argument when it comes to babies revolves around breastfeeding. If you aren’t familiar, meaning you don’t have breasts or kids, or you do but you are a better person than me and able to rise above petty arguments, let me break it down for you. If you don’t breastfeed your children, they will grow up to attend, at best, an absestos-riddled community college built on a faultline and a Native American burial ground. If you breastfeed, you will also be faced with many problems, like which Ivy League school your 14-year-old should choose to pursue a degree in nuclear physics.
I breastfed Mae for the arbitrary amount of 7 months. I chose this date because at 7 months I couldn’t take it anymore. Had a breastfeeding advocate shown up at my door at this point, I would have calmly listened to the sage advice about continuing to breastfeed but in my head I would be beating this person with my breast pump.
Back in my younger days, 11 months ago, before I had a baby, I told myself I understood the pros of breastfeeding, but none of it really made sense until I had a hungry baby shrieking in my arms. Then it all became very clear. I will now explain what I believe to be the top three pros.

Pro No. 1: Miraculous Health Benefits

If you breastfeed, you can leave your baby outside in the dead of winter and she will never get sick, ever, because the breast milk will form an electromagnetic forcefield around her, protecting her from disease, White Walkers, and public scrutiny. Meaning, if the public accuses you of neglect, you just have to tell them your baby is breastfed. They will then understand, apologize, thank you for your contribution to the greater good, offer you money, and leave.

Pro No 2: It’s Free

Yes. That’s true. It’s completely free, but only if you don’t count the cost of your own sanity.

Pro No. 3: The Bond you Forge making Eye Contact As You Breastfeed

There is no way this is true. How come no one ever talks about the bond you forge staring into your baby’s eyes changing her diaper?

If you are thinking about breastfeeding, that’s great. My advice to you is not to trust anyone who tells you how “it’s actually not that difficult.” This person is lying to you, but, as we discussed earlier, all parents are liars so this is fine. Breastfeeding would be way easier if I didn’t have to take care of a baby and work fulltime, I’ll tell you that much. If I just had to freeze bags of breastmilk for a year, I could do that no problem. In terms of frustration, on a scale of one to ten, one being trying to dust a touch lamp and 10 being the self check-out lane at  Walmart, I’d say breastfeeding is a safe 5.
        This overall argument is similar to the cloth vs. disposable diaper argument. Both parties act as though their chosen avenue is so much better than the alternative that it practically turns childrearing into a picnic. No matter what you choose, you still have a baby. It doesn’t matter what type of diaper you use, there is still a lot you have to do that is super gross. Especially during those first few months, having a baby is like carrying around a Fabrege egg with arms and legs that screams and requires vaccinations.

2 comments:

  1. Withat fire-engine-red-hair N your savvy,
    sassy MissDemeanor, I cant wait till we
    again Upstairs for eternity...
    Love you.
    Cya soon.
    be@peace.

    ReplyDelete