An Honest Baby Registry

In honor of Mother's Day, I made this honest baby registry. No need to go to Target or Babies R Us, I have everything you need right here. Don't waste your money on adorable clothing or Einsteinien toys. I don't think Einstein played with Baby Einstein, and look at him. He turned out great. A baby will play with anything. Do you have a small collection of tightly sealed packages of hot dogs? Perfect. That will entertain a baby for literally minutes.

Diapering:

Disposable Hazmat suit*

$65,000

Bathing:

Wetsuit

Sleeping**:

Cleaning and Sanitation:

Stain removing carpet cleaner***

Travel:

Map of restaurants and department store bathrooms that have diaper changing stations****

Clothing:

Vomit-colored shirts

Teething:

Noise-canceling headphones

Toys:

An old shoe

Box of tissues

Your smartphone

Whatever lines your bottom two bookshelves

Feeding:

Rubber Apron

Goggles

*About $30 on Amazon

**I don’t remember what this means…

***Don’t worry. You won’t actually have time to clean your carpet. Just put it in a safe place and clean your carpets 18 years from now.

****Get it together, Target Men's Bathroom in Norman, Oklahoma.