What I've Learned So Far

Here’s what I’ve learned about parenting so far:

Time doesn’t pass the same way it once did. Now, I’ll be like “My feet are hot. I should take my socks off.” Then six days will pass and suddenly I’m in line at the store buying vodka and cake mix. Hahaha! Just kidding. I don’t have time to make cake from a box! Also, I live in Oklahoma where byzantine alcohol laws prevent liquor and cake mixes from being sold side by side, as nature intended. Those of you who live anywhere else, except Pennsylvania, be grateful for the ease at which you can buy beer, wine, and liquor. Sometimes I have to go to three separate stores if I need to buy gin, tonic, and limes. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find the time to buy alcohol when you have a newborn? 

Not yet.

I thought I was good at multitasking before. That was amateur hour. Now, I possess Jedi Master-like skills when it comes to multitasking. I did not choose this. Rather, it chose me. Today Todd came home and I was sitting on the floor eating cold pizza, watching a documentary about India, bouncing Mae in her little bouncer seat with my foot, and pumping breast milk. If I had really been on my game I would have thrown in a little bit of exercise, maybe some bicep curls, but I couldn’t reach my weights from where I was sitting. Rookie mistake.

Nothing else matters anymore, not even Project Runway. Okay, that’s a lie. I love Project Runway, and I will try my hardest to watch it when it’s on, even if Mae is screaming a lot. 

No one should ever judge parents for anything they do, except when they do something clearly horrible, like buy a swaddler with dump trucks on it FOR THEIR DAUGHTER. This is my checklist for successful parenting:

Is your baby asleep?

Yes? Great news: you’re doing better than most.

No? I’m so sorry. Want me to spoonfeed you a cocktail?

How does anyone, like, anyone, have more than one of these adorable suckers? Three? Four? FIVE??? When you have that many, do you just hope they start parenting one another? Today our cat was forced to take a 13 hour nap in my dresser drawer because I didn’t realize she was in there when I shut the drawer. Later that day, when Todd and I realized we hadn’t seen said cat, I felt a little bad, but mainly I was like, well, she’s a cat. Parenting is REALLY demanding; I’m sure the cat understands. Also, if we hadn’t seen our baby in 13 hours we definitely would have noticed. Sometimes if Todd and I are really on top of things, you know, if we've slept for a good 30 minutes, drank a gallon of coffee and quickly eaten a hot dog over the sink, we sometimes remember what month it is. 

My concept of entertainment has changed dramatically. Ever watched America Ninja Warrior without the sound on while you respond to student emails and try to get a baby to fall asleep? It’s not that bad. Also did you know there is show called Last Call with Carson Daly on at 12:30? After Seth Myers? Did you know Seth Myers’ show is pretty good? Did you know Carson Daly is still alive? Did you know that AFTER THAT they show Kathie Lee and Hoda again?

I have a lot of opinions about infant sleepwear and what constitutes gender neutral animals on infant sleepwear. Ducks? Totally girls. Elephants? Could go either way.

I’ve become very critical of family-centric sitcoms.

Stay Tuned For Future Topics, Which Include: How to Pump Breast Milk At Work and I’m Using Cloth Diapers Merely to Spite the Godless, Price-Gouging Swine Who Make Disposables.